Wednesday, April 1, 2015

April Fools Alcohol Awareness

Why do people hesitate to drink alcohol if it’s so good for you? There are three types of alcohols; Spirits (liquor), because they lift your spirits up, wine, for the finest of people like royalty, and beers, for the everyday life person. We have proof from history itself that shows that alcohol is good for you. The Russians drank alcohol to warm themselves up in the freezing cold. The Europeans believed that drinking alcohol could clear and eliminate all the bad bacteria from within the body just like rubbing alcohol on a wound. Alcohol is a god given beverage sent from the heavens of the earth. Alcohol gives people satisfaction and can lead you into the wonderful world of addiction.

Becoming an alcoholic is quiet simple, start drinking. How do you think people start feeling better? They drink alcohol. What do people drink at parties? Punch spiked with alcohol. Holidays are all about alcohol. Passover has the four cups of wine, where you lean to the left and drink like kings. Purim is a happy occasion where grownup and adolescents dress up and drink alcohol. People’s lives revolve around alcohol. Once you start drinking, it’s hard to stop.

Just by looking at an alcoholic beverage is salivating in the mouth. The smell is very sweet that it makes you want to have more and more. When you’re an alcoholic you hear it calling you, begging you to drink some. The second it touches your mouth it’s the feeling of hallelujah. Finally, when you start to drink the alcohol, it’s the taste of heaven. You can drink alcohol with or without food. Either way would feel great but I’d prefer without food because you can drink more. Then after you throw it all up you can drink it again. When you run out of alcohol and you’re too lazy to go buy more, just take out some nail polish remover and drink it straight from the container.  

The ladies just love the bad breath and that cool staggering walk. Once those women smell that alcoholic breath and see those red-rimmed eyes of yours you can bet that they’ll all be standing in line waiting to make out with you. Let’s not forget about the ladies themselves. Women who are pregnant should not drink. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

When you’ve had a bad day what’s better than alcohol. Your life will fall back into place. Drinking makes you confident, probably because you were fired from your job. If you haven’t already been fired from your job, continuing drinking because your boss would really love that. However, alcohol is expensive, and without a job what can you do, so drink cheap beer and get some rich friends to back up that awesome habit of yours. While you’re at it, why don’t you take that 2011 recalled Toyota out for a ride! You’ll feel a great thrill from having to rely on that blurred vision. Oh, and if you drive fast enough and get pulled over by the cops they’ll send you to the most luxurious motel there is for last minute reservations. The words of wisdom that come out of your mouth are best when drunk and foolish. You’ll surely wake up satisfied with what you said the night before. In addition, waking up after a hangover is the perfect reason to drink again.  

Warning side effects may include loss of virginity, loss of clothing, and loss of money; desire to sing karaoke all around the streets. Alcohol is the perfect aspect of getting pregnant and may result in getting your ass kicked. So, what are you waiting for? Stop hiding and start living, drink alcohol now. 

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